Am I Worth It?

I have this gut feeling that has been bothering me for a long time. I cannot get rid of it with the pills or the alcohol. The parties do not help me either. The only thing I can do to relieve my conscience, is asking Jende to write down everything and every place that Clark does or goes. This should be an easy assignment for him because he is Clark’s chauffeur. I can feel it. I know Clark is doing something bad. There is no way that Clark spends his entire day working. Jende knows something.

After having the perfect life under the eyes of the public, he goes and does the lowest thing any man can do. How could he? Clark has made us something we are not. Our family is a lie. From the beginning. We attend parties and get-togethers, so Clark can appear to have the best life compared to his friends. He is successful and has the perfect trophy wife under his associates’ eyes. Am I nothing more?

I knew it. He is cheating.

I question my value in society. I’ve shaped and bent my morals to enter the standards of fitting of society. I am a trophy wife to Clark Edwards and nothing more. It has been a struggle to build an entirely different life for my family compared to the one I had as a child. Does he know that I’ve been the product of rape? Does he know my mother hated the idea of raising me and yet still did it? The pain of being raised and not loved, yet he chooses to be a low scum bag. Cheating on me. Why would he open the wound of being the last resort for anyone? However, I’m fine. All the money, the jewelry, the parties, and a smile on my face, covers up the empty feeling in my life. Maybe it’s true. Rich people aren’t satisfied with their wealth. Look at them. Jende and Neni are in worse conditions than I am but still manages to have a happy and stable marriage. Where did I go wrong? I fought for my family. All the events I attended for Clark. To be shown around. I lost myself to pursue more material items which reduced my well-being. But do they see it? No. It is all about what’s on the surface rather what is inside. Not even my husband is there for me. He goes out on these “business meeting”, as if I do not know what’s really going on. Am I not good enough? What’s wrong with me? What do I not have that these damn prostitutes have? How can I please you at the events for our family’s reputation but behind the walls, I cannot even please you? Throwing away our marriage to be with a slut while I am suffering with OUR son’s actions. Leaving his studies to go to India. And HE doesn’t care. But I’m okay. Just smile. I’m always alone. I don’t have any motivation to keep going. The pills I take, the alcohol I drink is because of him. Cheating, the constant validation needed, the childhood I had is all bringing me down. It is slowly getting dark and the light at the end of the tunnel starts to grow farther away.

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